Whilst doing housework I like to put on some music and bop along to make the time go faster. I popped on my Powder finger CD and when the song came on Nobody Knows, I suddenly felt teary and sick in my stomach. How true Nobody knows just how I feel today. Nobody see's our heart break.
It's hard to keep secret's and when I was younger I didn't think I would be the type to bother keeping them. Many of our friends who have visited us down at the beach this month and stayed do not know our plans for surrogacy. They don't know why I have retreated. They don't know why I try to take very little interest in their babies and why I feel sick meeting new baby after baby. New babies remind me of the heart break of losing our baby in August.
They have no idea that when they show me their little girl baby I was also expecting a girl. They have no idea I have actually had four pregnancies of my own but only one to show for that. They DO know we waited for an adopted child for many years. They MUST think that was just a passing whim as they NEVER think maybe its too HARD for me to babysit. Maybe it reminds me of MY own inadequicies every time I see how EASY it is for them. Maybe I love their children and WISH I had more than one of my own. Maybe they don't understand the GUILT I feel about not being able to give my son a sibling or husband another child. ESPECIALLY when my son now tell's me to GIVE UP MUM, IT"S TOO LATE!
To all of you out their who's hearts are breaking take care of YOURSELF. Say NO if it's too HARD to babysit or have people over with children or babies. It's not about being jealous of others fortune it's about SELF PRESERVATION. To my surro buddies who have broken hearts, please know you are not alone and I'm so sorry that it's been so HARD, but please don't give up, there are always options.
To my family and friends who suffer from depression and tough life experiences, hang in there it WILL get better. We all need to look after one another and be more thoughtful that saying NO does not mean we don't care or don't want to help, it's more about knowing what you can and can't handle. I always believed saying NO was selfish and every time I say it, I feel GUILT. But I have decided that it's not fair and saying NO when things are hard is better than saying YES and being stressed and resentful.
I know I will being saying YES again soon, but at the moment just give me a little time to heal xx
It's hard to keep secret's and when I was younger I didn't think I would be the type to bother keeping them. Many of our friends who have visited us down at the beach this month and stayed do not know our plans for surrogacy. They don't know why I have retreated. They don't know why I try to take very little interest in their babies and why I feel sick meeting new baby after baby. New babies remind me of the heart break of losing our baby in August.
They have no idea that when they show me their little girl baby I was also expecting a girl. They have no idea I have actually had four pregnancies of my own but only one to show for that. They DO know we waited for an adopted child for many years. They MUST think that was just a passing whim as they NEVER think maybe its too HARD for me to babysit. Maybe it reminds me of MY own inadequicies every time I see how EASY it is for them. Maybe I love their children and WISH I had more than one of my own. Maybe they don't understand the GUILT I feel about not being able to give my son a sibling or husband another child. ESPECIALLY when my son now tell's me to GIVE UP MUM, IT"S TOO LATE!
To all of you out their who's hearts are breaking take care of YOURSELF. Say NO if it's too HARD to babysit or have people over with children or babies. It's not about being jealous of others fortune it's about SELF PRESERVATION. To my surro buddies who have broken hearts, please know you are not alone and I'm so sorry that it's been so HARD, but please don't give up, there are always options.
To my family and friends who suffer from depression and tough life experiences, hang in there it WILL get better. We all need to look after one another and be more thoughtful that saying NO does not mean we don't care or don't want to help, it's more about knowing what you can and can't handle. I always believed saying NO was selfish and every time I say it, I feel GUILT. But I have decided that it's not fair and saying NO when things are hard is better than saying YES and being stressed and resentful.
I know I will being saying YES again soon, but at the moment just give me a little time to heal xx
Oh Becs.....although we are.continents apart, I am so with you on this. I feel inadequate as well...like Ive failed my husnand....If only we could turn back time...or have infinite bank accounts...unfortunately we dont have time or money on our side...so for now, I do nothing but grow older......take care, miss you bunches...
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. I can really relate to what you are saying. I have really learnt to say NO to others throughout this whole painful journey and I know I've lost friends along the way. But I've decided that I actually don't care anymore... we do need self-preservation and time to be alone and if this hurts some people then tough because honestly, no one can really relate to how we are feeling and the stress that comes with this journey. Take your time & learn to love yourself again. xxx
ReplyDeleteRebecca- I am so sorry you are hurting. I have struggled with many of the same feelings in the past and retreated from most of my family and friends when they announce their pregnancies. I wish you much success on your next stage in this journey and feel very fortunate our paths crossed in Delhi! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteI hated every pregnant person for many years...I could barely mutter a congratulations. The only people who really understand you are the ones who comment here.
ReplyDeleteBec, you just make me cry because i feel your pain,this post of one of those that i do not bother to read other peoples comment before making mine. but i soo feel your pain. you are one of those that have sent me private mail when am scared or hurting really badly.Remember you told me to carry on when i wanted to stop posting because i felt guilty. if you must know, i wanted to stop posting because of you and Rene.i felt like i had no right to be in the game when my friends are hurting. Please try again and lets make this year our year, though we have never met but i told you that i will be in India to see you when you have your baby this year.(I meant that and still mean it) Its January now and i cant wait to meet you and your newborn later this year.I avoided pregnant people and at some point they stopped telling me when they have their babies and guess what? this made me hurt more because i felt they didnt see me as a real woman but the moment i hold their babies i feel some kind of hope and hurt less because they have made me carry their baby.its still early days for me but many times i still hurt especially as we approach the date that i lost my 2009 pregnancy at 24 weeks. Honey, please chin up as it does not matter how many times we have failed as it will only get better. Trust God. HUGS
ReplyDeleteHi Bec, unfortunately, many may not see it, but all of US, we feel it. I am so sorry you are feeling low. Lean on us and we will be here for you. And know that it's ok to decline invitations, to just say no and to do things that make YOU and only you happy. Be selfish and focus on healing yourself. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteDear Bec,
ReplyDeleteTake the time you need and the space you need... We are all here and understand..That is why the blog site is so good for good news and sad news for the up's and downs of our journeys! I hope that your hurt becomes alittle easier to bare! I have to thank my family and best friend for getting me through...
thinking of you x
I read your post and feel as if i have written it myself. The hurt and pain is overwhelming at times but all we can do is be good to ourselves and do whatever we need for self-preservation!!! Mind yourself and know that you are not alone K xxx
ReplyDeleteYou have touched such a good point and I share all of your thoughts.For years ,I had to go to baby showers,watch friends who got married after me have first and second children while I still couldn't have one on my own.I felt so ashamed and guilty.It was heartbreaking and all the while I kept a brave/silent face.The worst was when I was at work and at least once a week,someone would come up to me touching my tummy or asking me "when is the bambino going to come/are you pregnant yet?"Can you believe?!!All the while,I just wanted to scream at these co-workers,cant they see that I am struggling with infertility!!But,no,I would just smile and say,no, not yet....UUGGH.... as you say...no one sees our heartbreak....its a silent/lonely feel that only this community can understand.We are all in this silent struggle.All of us here in blogland are listening and understanding your heartbreak(HUGS). and I only wish for you the best for this year and that all your dreams and wishes come true....you deserve it!!
ReplyDeletekathy
Darling Bec, please know that you have the support and love of all of us here who are connected by our similar stories. The ups and downs are always so devastatingly huge. The sinking sick sensation when yet another friend tells you they are pregnant. The guilt you feel is shared by all of us who feel we have failed and I still cry when I think about the fact I will never give birth to a child. Know that we share your pain and wish with all of our hearts that you will find happiness again soon. I often think of you and hope that your biggest dream, to have a baby, will become a reality this year xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Bec. Hoping that 2012 is your year and it brings you positive baby news. Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteDear Bec,
ReplyDeleteThe road is long and full of bumps on the way , that does not mean that every bump hurts and makes you feel like there is no happy ending at the end of the road. I trully admire the way you show yourself "naked" to the world , is not easy to be vulnerable specially when it comes to such a delicate issue. Please dont give up , the time will come when youll be ready. As for me , I udnerstand what you feel so no one knows you better than yourself so for sure within your experience you will know how to deal with this huge itnernal figth.
Smile ok? Always nice to hear and read you!
xoxo